4th April 2010

Today is a memorable day for me and should be highlighted and celebrated for the rest of my life. Aku sasak. Sasak to the point that I develop hatred. Why pissed? Pasal I have discover how I have degraded my soul and dignity and any maruah left in me just to seek and claim for a sincere friendship from this one person.

Picture this, you met a friend whom you really clicked and get along well and shit, you've gone through a lot together as a friend, and you both cared and loved each other. Then suddenly your friendships gets rocky and when you're trying to pick up the pieces balik, trying to mend things right just like old times, but it just doesn't seem to work out like you wanted to.

I believe in that "it takes two to tango for a relationship, be it friendship, to work" stuff. Kalau one is not willing to be friends with you and not ikhlas, how is it going to work? If one is faking it, is that sincere friendship?

But one thing that baffles me. If say kan you both gone through a lot as a friend, sayang each other before, pernah susah senang together, helped each other a lot and do almost everything together, doesn't that count for something at all? Shouldn't it be easier to forgive and forget each other?

For almost a year, i've been trying to make this friendship to work. And never ever I feel hatred or pissed no matter how many times we argue. In fact, its the other way around, aku plang kena sasakkan or kena benci. Minta maaf bisai2 kena ucap kan cari kelai and kena ucap aku saja tah yg bisai nada salah. Salah sikit kena ucap besar-besarkan perkara. Main2 jauh hati or merajuk kena ucap terluan sensitif. Kan explain and make ammends kena ucap kan control org saja, mau org tunduk apa. Regardless of what I'm doing, walaupun my niat is baik, I would be the one who always left feeling the guilt and wrong. Macam nada maruah lagi wah rasaku kan minta maaf balik2 rasa jua kan mau bekawan sama org ikhlas. Salah kah kan expect your once-closed friend atu to treat you just like old times?

Bullshit wah rasanya kena layan cani. Macam sampah wah.

Ani mana saja tah. I couldn't care lagi. Kena marah kah or kena benci kah, i just don't want to care anymore. I'm tired of caring. Inda cukup kah what i've done to be a friend selama ani? From now on, I will permit no one to degrade my dignity just to get a sincere friendship from a person who is just not willing and sincere to be my friend.

Friends

There's this saying that says - you won't know that your friends are really your true friends until you come to a point in that relationship where you both come into a huge disagreement / an argument. Because just then you will realised each other's true colours. And when that time happens, there are 2 things that can take place:
1) They will leave you - just because they've seen your flaws and they just don't see themselves accepting that part of you
2) They will stick by you - because you are worth being friend with no matter how ugly your flaws are.

I realised that I've made quite a number of close friends this year. Close enough that you can almost call them your bestfriends. Those friends that you spend almost 24/7 with, those who you laugh and cry with, whom you can easily confide in, whether its small disgusting / big personal matters. Those friends that you put first before you - sampai sanggup tane melupakan susah2 tane asal dorang tane dulukan, because we know they would do the same to you to.

I feel that I am beginning to question myself about this. It seems like my close friends are drifting apart from me and it scares the eff out of me. Truthfully, I feel abandoned. At first I thought it was just coming from me alone, my insecurity get the best of me. I supposed it's because I've lost a really dear good friend once. And ever since that, I started to feel insecure and fear that my other close friends are going to leave me too. I'm not naive. I am aware that my friends have their own lives to live too, they won't be there with you all the time. Long after, they will forget about you. That's just it. I thought that close or best friends don't simply forget each other, just like that, no matter how busy you are. You stick by each other. You don't need them to physically be with you 24/7, but at least you're in their thoughts.

Or maybe I am just too selfish to want the same amount of commitment as I give to my friends. Not all people are like you afterall, sanggup bekarih2 kan susah payah for your friends. Not all people can give that much amount of sacrifices.

Or maybe I am the culprit here, pushing everyone away from me. Because I feel that I've been doing that a lot lately.

One thing for sure that I know of. I love my friends. Even if they don't love as much and as equally as I do.