4th April 2010

Today is a memorable day for me and should be highlighted and celebrated for the rest of my life. Aku sasak. Sasak to the point that I develop hatred. Why pissed? Pasal I have discover how I have degraded my soul and dignity and any maruah left in me just to seek and claim for a sincere friendship from this one person.

Picture this, you met a friend whom you really clicked and get along well and shit, you've gone through a lot together as a friend, and you both cared and loved each other. Then suddenly your friendships gets rocky and when you're trying to pick up the pieces balik, trying to mend things right just like old times, but it just doesn't seem to work out like you wanted to.

I believe in that "it takes two to tango for a relationship, be it friendship, to work" stuff. Kalau one is not willing to be friends with you and not ikhlas, how is it going to work? If one is faking it, is that sincere friendship?

But one thing that baffles me. If say kan you both gone through a lot as a friend, sayang each other before, pernah susah senang together, helped each other a lot and do almost everything together, doesn't that count for something at all? Shouldn't it be easier to forgive and forget each other?

For almost a year, i've been trying to make this friendship to work. And never ever I feel hatred or pissed no matter how many times we argue. In fact, its the other way around, aku plang kena sasakkan or kena benci. Minta maaf bisai2 kena ucap kan cari kelai and kena ucap aku saja tah yg bisai nada salah. Salah sikit kena ucap besar-besarkan perkara. Main2 jauh hati or merajuk kena ucap terluan sensitif. Kan explain and make ammends kena ucap kan control org saja, mau org tunduk apa. Regardless of what I'm doing, walaupun my niat is baik, I would be the one who always left feeling the guilt and wrong. Macam nada maruah lagi wah rasaku kan minta maaf balik2 rasa jua kan mau bekawan sama org ikhlas. Salah kah kan expect your once-closed friend atu to treat you just like old times?

Bullshit wah rasanya kena layan cani. Macam sampah wah.

Ani mana saja tah. I couldn't care lagi. Kena marah kah or kena benci kah, i just don't want to care anymore. I'm tired of caring. Inda cukup kah what i've done to be a friend selama ani? From now on, I will permit no one to degrade my dignity just to get a sincere friendship from a person who is just not willing and sincere to be my friend.