14.06.2010

الْحَمْدُللّهِ

=)

S' Wonderful S' Marvellous

I'm tired :(


I wanna go home :(


I've been watching an old drama series Gilmore Girls lately to past my free times and ada one of this episode, Lorelai the cool hot mom - she loves watching oldies film, one of which is called Funny Faces by Audrey Hepburn. Kali I decided to check out that film andddd...turned out it was indeed one of Audrey's best film! Ada one of the soundtrack I really really like...

Lawaa oh...*sigh~*

I'm tired. Haven't slept all day! And then went shopping lagi bali barang orang brunei :S Ngalih :( Kalau dulu bisai, nada org mengurut di Glasgow, paksa tah minta pihit saja oleh 2 big dudes / paling inda pun si Mas yang ngurut lol..At least ada wah kekeke.

I wanna go home :(

Mudah-mudahan result okay.. Amin~~~~~

The wonders of e-shopping

Going home soon... So as expected, lotsa people asked me to buy them stuffs to bring back home. Of all the stuffs that I've shopped for, toys are the most difficult ones. Funny right? I mean who would have thought choosing the best Iron Man 2 action figures can be tough? And who would have thought that the sizes of those action figures matter? Whether it has got gadgets or not or if the it's a comic or a movie series action figures...and other stuffs to consider! Stress ku tarus jadinya. Seriously, I have lost the inner child in me :S

For the past few days and last week, I have been exhausting my bank account with toys, dresses, shoes, bags, scarfs and more toys. I can't believe it, I even bought myself a toy! Well not really a toy lah, more like a board game that Sab introduced me to during our trip to Sheffield.

Also bought myself a guitar tuner! Finally! So next time I don't have to ask Azmi / Jim to tune my guitar for me lol. Kasian wahh, I only get to tune my guitar if I'm playing with them...tsk tsk tsk. Thanks guys for all your "hardwork" from now on I will no longer require your services lol.

Only these 2 have arrived 5 more to come...I think. But they are all the kids' toys..boohoo. One Baby Alive Doll (apparently there's this smartypant doll that you can feed which poops after you feed it - actual poop!), 2 iron man action figures (because I can't decide on the sizes) and 2 ben 10 action figures. Apakah usulnya toys dorang ani...

I'm hungry...:( and bored. But especially hungry..Haven't eaten anything yet. Maybe i should make pasta tonight..

Hmmm..

My Everyday-is-a-Sunday Activities

Hey all~ I'm in my "blog-feel" mood. Came to update on few things that I've been doing during my summer break. Let's start with the recent ones..

Yesterday - went out with Edah and Kikie to hantar Juddin at the central station who's off to London and then Brunei. After that, we, well more like me, while the other 2 tagged along to accompany me shopping - and I finally bought a new duvet cover!!! It's about time for me to get a new one because I never did get one for my new bed in my new flat :D Then we all went for late brunch / early dinner (for some) at our new halal-lised KFC...Surprise! (Yes, we finally get our own halal KFC in the city :P) After that, me and Kikie went to watch Tooth Fairy. It was an alright movie, simple but entertaining. That was pretty much my Monday.

Over the weekends, I shopped a lot, hang out with the Dalcross peeps plus Juddin and stayed over at Wany's. It was really really an awesome weekend. Crazy fun.

Saturday - went out with Wany, Kikie, Juddin to shop for Tie Rack scarfs and other stuffs for the Bruneian families; me and Wany bought Zara dresses; Kikie treating us Easy-way drinks and then went to watch a movie called 4.3.2.1, a British movie telling stories of 4 girlfriends over 3 days, happening in 2 cities (I highly recommend you watch it, it's good!). After movie, went over to Kikie's place where we made a really special Maggi curry! (Yes THE instant maggi curry!) Special because we add in some beansprouts, eggs, sliced cucumbers and a hint of chilli sauce...aaaah~ just talking about it makes my mouth waters. Believe me, me Wany and Juddin made a really good special maggi curry lol.

Sunday - went out again to the city to watch Sex and the City 2 with Wany, Azmi Seit, Edah Saifol (yes, he's back!). Sunday was actually supposed to be a celebratory day for the EEE seniors who are graduating soon in July...but plan backfired as only Wany and Azmi were there. Then...we went for dinner at Wagamama (Japanese restaurant that don't serve sushi), which was an utter disappointment for me and also for few of us. Nyaman lagi maggi curry special kami buat ah lol. Back at Azmi's place, I joined the group, Wany made us Tiramisu, I made Teh Tarik and helped the boys fry some Lekur (YESSSS, apparently they got frozen Lekur!!!) and I watched Wany and the boys played PS2 warfare game till 7.30am! Who would have thought watching them playing warfare games can be so entertaining lol. I was totally knackered to walk all the way back home, so I slept over at Wany's again.

Okay...what else. Banarnya kan, macam boring wah orang kan membaca my daily activities ani.. I don't know why I even bother. I tink i'm just gonna end it here coz' my head is pounding, i need sleep. pronto. Tata~

Just in case...

So you decided to see me out of the blue,

should i let you come over?

i think you're doing fine..

that girl in your arms does she know where you come from?

Almost made me move out of town,

you don't want me to be around, i stayed anyway,

just in case...

finding reasons to hate you more than before

like how you said, you would call

but never at all..got rid off your number that i know by heart...

you left your things at my place,

as if i have all the space,cause you know i dont mind

just come back when you think its time..

i'm all black and white inside,

monotonous from left to right

i decorate my house with things you love

just in case, you show up..

in case you show up.

Yuna, Decorate

The 14 hours

Guess what? Yesterday kan, I was like studying for 14 hours straight! From 9pm - 13pm! (I know, I have weird studying timing) This is like an achievement! Well, I used to study like this back when I was doing O and A level, and u think uni makes you even more rajin, BIG FAT NO! It makes me sloppy and lazy and believe it or not, I've lost my studying mojo :(

Well, at least I thought so until last night...I knew it's still there inside me somewhere

*flips hair* ;)

Never should've would've done that...

1 week!

Yes, I managed to go through that whole 3 days not checking my msn/even fbing. And since I was doing so well, I figured why not continue what I've been doing for the whole week! And I DID! Banarnya kan, mcm malas kan masuk msn lagi, because for once after a very long time, I am emotionally in control of myself..and I don't have to think about "anything else" or "anyone else" except to focus on my studies of course *geeky smiley to be inserted here please*. I would've continued till after exam but I fear that my parents or someone would send me an important offline messages.

So, there I was an hour ago, still having doubts about going online., just because I fear that I would receive or see something that I don't really wish / like to see or know or whatever it is that would make go into an emotional turmoil. So..in the end, i did go online aaaaaaand...Darn!!! My instinct couldn't have been anymore right!

Well just so you know, nothing majorly important happened and I might be writing this a lil' more dramatic that I should have, but I really don't like what I am feeling right now..this feeling of uncertainty and worrying about what possibly could be just a nonsense stuff. Paaaaasal.... of one stupid silly offline message from a particular someone who ...let's just say, it's something that I don't like to read..dengan big caps lagi tu and all. Sigh...Drama~

Okay, I will not go online anymore! Period! (Well...for now at least).

Bah eyh, sasak ku. Baik ku membaca.

Unintentional pamper day

When I was out yesterday, I thought I should buy myself some comfort food, with the sole intention to help me go through my busy geeking days.


I ended not doing work :( Instead, I binged the food while watching my long awaiting downloaded series. I slept a lot too! Woke up at 3pm? (From 6am of course) I feel so guilty...but then kan, I believe it happens for a reason --> I might not get the chance to play around and good enough sleep anymore next week, so this might be the last time I'm ever gonna be able to have a good play time.

A good Arabian friend of mine whom I met during our SSC module early this year, gave me a good doa to read for the exam. It's extracted from Surah Shua'ra verse 83 and she said that Syeikh Jamal Uddin advised to read this verse before every exam, as it had helped him go through each of his exam, even without studying. So I found the surah and made a note for myself. Insyallah, hopefully, along with my other doa and prayers, I hope this one will help me go through this intimidating exam as well :)

رَبِّ هَبْ لِي حُكْمًا وَأَلْحِقْنِي بِالصَّالِحِينَ

(Wahai Tuhanku, berikanlah daku ilmu pengetahuan agama dan hubungkanlah daku dengan orang-orang yang soleh)

Goodluck to you out there who are having exams :)

Hatch lil' egg~

I just realised that, today, would be a week since I've gone out of the flat. Yes, a WEEK!!! Well, not that I mind or anything, and I have to say, I've gotten used to living in the egg shell for a while. Not that I'm wasting my time, I'm actually being super productive, which felt like yearsss since I've been one. It's like back to O and A level years all over again~ *awww sound in the background for the dramatic effect*

Owh did I mention before that I haven't gone to check my fb and my msn yet? :D *a geek smile to be inserted here please*

I feel more content when I'm not around msn, less drama around. Hmmm..who knows, I might even consider not using it again. Notice the "might"...lol. But it's kinda hard also not to have msn 'coz thats where my families usually contact me and stuff, esp me being away and everything...but come to think of it, mama bapa selalu jua call and message arah mobile, i only use msn to contact si ajid, atupun if there's a strike of lightning..(did i use that metaphor right??)..mm nyeh *shrug* we'll see~

Why am I up early again? Pasal karang I have a superfun "date" in the med school practicing with my "super-enthusiastic" friend/s (we'll see later who's the chirpy ones lol), for the osce exam coming up soon. Come to think of it kan, OSCE is the only thing that I'm not worried about, it's the paper exam that I'm anxious about...*shudder*

Baaaaaaaah, kan jalan soon. I will soon spare you the details of my boring life. Until then, tata!




p/s: *pointing up* notice that I finally manage to make it blend with the background!! Awesome right??? :P

Hiatus?

Anaemia.

That's the first thing i thought of when typing this post. Only because I am halfway reading about it..kekeke. I am simply out of words to blog about. And why am I blogging again? *scratches head*

Random note : pancake edah buatkan while i'm busy doing works (thanks E!)

I am actually trying to dare myself, or rather make a bet to myself, that I will not go to facebook or msn for at least 4..no wait, 3 days? Yeap 3 days. Which is kinda silly really pasal here I am..blogging..which is like an equivalent of fbing / msning, (-_-')..but at leastkan there won't be any social contact watsoever right?

Goodluck to me. Haha.

Another random note: I figured why not take a pic of the notes that I have to look into for the remaining 2 weeks. Just because so i'll know how much works I have to do.

A silly timetable pasal only the first 5 days are important, and the rest are empty. Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother to make these things..:S

the spot i've learned to love :)

p/s: Owh with the dare, I will get to watch something i like. For instance, I get to see my charming gorgeous man, Dean Winchester ;)

A poetry of cold

Yeap, it's confirmed, i've caught myself a cold. The full blast effect started yesterday and early this morning. Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :S

Guess what peeps, I found a poetry on catching a cold!!! LOL

Ugh: I’ve Caught a Cold

I’ve caught a cold and I’m so bunged up.
My legs they feel like lead.
My bones ache. My throat is sore.
And there are pains inside my head.
I’ve taken lots of remedies,
In the hope my ills to cure,
But my nose it is illuminated in the brightest of reds
And I no longer look so demure.
I’m having to stay in my room all day,
My family has left me alone.
They claim they can’t take time from work,
So not much sympathy have they shown.
But now I’ve got the house to myself
I can snuggle down and have a nice rest.
I might have a cold, but I think you’ll agree
That with a day in bed I’ve been blessed.

Christine Ramsay

.....let's just say I'm stucked in bed and I have nothing better to google about :P

Mo damam or not?

Masochism = an act of deriving pleasure from physical pain.

I am not sure if I have this but I certainly do always find it pleasurable when I am in pain. Simple kind of pains like sore neck, sprain ankle, cramp legs but there is one thing i never enjoy - gastritis and food poisoning kind of pain. Pain paling palui nie di dunia. Bek plang ku sakit kepala or tegugur tegelincir dalam long bath nie (yes, many times this has happened :P).

I sensed that I'm gonna catch a cold soon, in the next few days. Liat tia saja. Always when i see other people damam, i am weird in the sense that I want to be damam jua. No, its not because I want to seek attention, I just want to feel the pain their experiencing. Macam nyaman wahhh lol. Awu aku aneh (as Sab would say).

Truthfully, i don't want to get sick at this time. See, just when I don't want to be in pain, I'll usually get it at the most inconvenient times. Exam period, or during travelling or vacations or when I am having a wonderful time. Ngok.

The weather is sooooooo nice outside! It's sunny and breezyy!!!!! I feel like going out jalan2 out in the park. I'm Edahless, boring nada dangan kan jalan2 keluar. I wish ada dangan kan jalan2 :( Going out alone is alright, but I would end up feeling even more lonely like that.

I finished covering one topic and I'm bored. Anyone fancy a walk out in the park? ;)

Sincere or fake?

How can you tell if one is being true to themselves and sincere to you or faking it?

Me think you won't know. Unless you've been with them lama udah and you know how they behave and act around you and other people, which you would have recognised as their personality, and how they treat you, regardless in what situations you're in. But then kan, im sure its not as easy and straightforward as we would like it to be.

I guess, the easiest way and what works for me is to think that all your friend are sincere and baik and to not think badly of anyone. Wouldnt' be better like that? Well, unless they treat you badly, thats a different issue altogether.

Say, if you found out that one of your friend is faking it, how would you feel? What would you do?

Would you feel hurt?
Would you layan that person?
Would you ever treat them the same way again?
Would you be pissed?
Or would you just ignore and just let them be?
Would you see them differently after that?

Gosh...Dulu masa time sekolah menengah / rendah byak nie kes cani2 ah lol. Drama brabis wah hehehe. Childish jua banar.

Owh well...what to do. It's life as it is. Just a random thought, just woke up banarnya and I feel like writing. Waseh, ada ilham lah tu kononnya. Setaie lol

Moral of the story kengkawan, apa2 ani, biar tia ikhlas. Kalau rasa diri inda ikhlas, dun bother. Senang what? No? :)

4th April 2010

Today is a memorable day for me and should be highlighted and celebrated for the rest of my life. Aku sasak. Sasak to the point that I develop hatred. Why pissed? Pasal I have discover how I have degraded my soul and dignity and any maruah left in me just to seek and claim for a sincere friendship from this one person.

Picture this, you met a friend whom you really clicked and get along well and shit, you've gone through a lot together as a friend, and you both cared and loved each other. Then suddenly your friendships gets rocky and when you're trying to pick up the pieces balik, trying to mend things right just like old times, but it just doesn't seem to work out like you wanted to.

I believe in that "it takes two to tango for a relationship, be it friendship, to work" stuff. Kalau one is not willing to be friends with you and not ikhlas, how is it going to work? If one is faking it, is that sincere friendship?

But one thing that baffles me. If say kan you both gone through a lot as a friend, sayang each other before, pernah susah senang together, helped each other a lot and do almost everything together, doesn't that count for something at all? Shouldn't it be easier to forgive and forget each other?

For almost a year, i've been trying to make this friendship to work. And never ever I feel hatred or pissed no matter how many times we argue. In fact, its the other way around, aku plang kena sasakkan or kena benci. Minta maaf bisai2 kena ucap kan cari kelai and kena ucap aku saja tah yg bisai nada salah. Salah sikit kena ucap besar-besarkan perkara. Main2 jauh hati or merajuk kena ucap terluan sensitif. Kan explain and make ammends kena ucap kan control org saja, mau org tunduk apa. Regardless of what I'm doing, walaupun my niat is baik, I would be the one who always left feeling the guilt and wrong. Macam nada maruah lagi wah rasaku kan minta maaf balik2 rasa jua kan mau bekawan sama org ikhlas. Salah kah kan expect your once-closed friend atu to treat you just like old times?

Bullshit wah rasanya kena layan cani. Macam sampah wah.

Ani mana saja tah. I couldn't care lagi. Kena marah kah or kena benci kah, i just don't want to care anymore. I'm tired of caring. Inda cukup kah what i've done to be a friend selama ani? From now on, I will permit no one to degrade my dignity just to get a sincere friendship from a person who is just not willing and sincere to be my friend.

Cheesecake - Trial 1

Ingredients:

together with Butter & Digestive Biscuits, preferrably with milk chocolate spread as the base.

Making the Base

Crushed 15-20 biscuits

Melt 90g of butter

Pour melted butter over the crushed biscuits and press the mixture into the 20cm springform baking tray. Bake for 5 minutes and then cool.

Add in into a bowl:

1) 2 tbspoon plain flour

2) 600g of cheese

3) 17g g of sugar

4) 150ml of soured cream

To the same bowl, add in:

1) 2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

2) 2 eggs

3) 1 yolk egg

Then,

BEAT the mixture until they are light and fluffy.

Pour mixture into the cooled base.

Bake for 40 minutes and check that it should be wobbly in the centre. Leave tin to cool.

Bon Appetit!

Note :

Recipe extracted from the website linked to the Title of this post. Click it to check it out :)

1 Week

I wish I still have the passion to blog. I lost mine. Everytime I do blog, I thought, I am gonna relive that passion back into me, but honestly, I just couldn't be bothered to make the time anymore. Haiya~

Did I mention that my brother came to visit me last December and stayed here for almost 3 months here in Glasgow? Well, he did. It was awesome having someone back home coming to you, makes a huge difference in my life here. All the homesickness gone, pooofff! just like that. Unfortunately, like any other happy stories in my life, this one had to end too :'( Bro went back to Brunei officially a week ago. Yeap, I didn't take it easy. Even now a week has gone, I still miss him. It's weird, 2 months are not that long really, but to me, it feels like he has been here for ages.

I miss him. Terribly.

his designated shelf

I used to come back after being in uni/hospital the whole day, finding him in a dark room, still in bed, sleeping soundly. I was so used to seeing him in my studying chair, surfing the net, downloading the latest series. I missed the nights we spent together, eating dinner while watching the latest episodes of chuck / big bang theory or american idol or many other series. It was like a normal routine of ours, especially after the holiday was over. I missed smelling his man-ly scent after shower :'(

I took it really hard after he was gone. I went crazy just like a girl who just got dumped / left by her boyfriend. Macam orang putus cinta berabis. I kept one of his sleeping T shirt with me to sleep. I still haven't washed his bath towel coz it still has his smell on it (thank god i gave him a fresh towel to used with last time he took a shower!). I even kept the last can of POKKA and RED BULL he drank before he left (believe it or not, I went crazy to the extent that I took that red bull can from the trash!). Saved all the post-it-notes he kept to write the guitar chords of some songs he learnt. In summary, I missed him badly :'(

one of the things he likes to do before sleeping

I cried most of the nights (yeap, i still do) over the smallest silliest thing. I lost my appetite to eat, i haven't been eating proper meal for a week now except for munching on pringles / snacks. A WEEK! Imagine that :S I don't go out from my room / the flat unless I have to during these past few days. This weekend really sucks a lot! I used to bring him out for dinner / watch movies with couple of friends, but now I just couldn't be bothered to go. E actually planned to bring me out for a movie, but I instead slept early, thinking that I could avoid being dragged out of the room, only finding myself being awake the whole entire night after that, sobbing over small things :S Just recently, I was like doing work and browsing through this anatomy book, and guess what? There he was, in a piece of paper in between pages of the book. It was a sketch of him which he took during the IRN BRU Carnival last December. I cried my ass off.

So moral of the story is...never ever think that having your family members around to visit you here is a good thing. Yes, you'll be estatic and happy while they're around, but once they leave you, it really sucks a lot. So not awesome. At all.

me and him before he left :'(

Laugh VS Tears

Nope. It's not the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I just happened to go through some rough times adapting to my "newly transformed" social circle. I thought it must be the grey dark season that's causing me to become "teary". But nope.

Because today, I and my ever-so-loving bestfriend E noted that I am mildly depressed. Maybe I knew it all along, but believe me, knowing and accepting that you're depressed when you are already in a tough shitty state, is the last thing you want to acknowledge.

Symptoms are there. Just realised it myself. For one thing, the insomniac nights, waking up in the middle of the night and difficulties getting back to sleep.Then, there's that bouts of teary episodes over superficially small things. Losing appetite. Lack of interest in doing things I like doing - msn-ing, fb-ing, watching series. Inability to concentrate while doing work. Wanting to stay in bed all the time, shielding from outside world. Not wanting to be around close friends. Point of the matter is, I, Farah, hereby would like to say that I am mildly depressed.

It's funny isn't it how things have turned. Banar jua nya orang tua2 atu, ketawa2 jangan lebih2 sampai inda ingat dunia, nanti menangis jadinya. True. So true.

For the time being, I think I am just going to "try" hard to look at brighter side of everything, although the chances of that for now is nil. But then again, I will pray that I will be.

I miss my old self. So, I think I am going to be okay.

It's 2:39 am

I feel exhausted and really utterly drained from all the crying. It's like a recurrent theme lately. If it's not to do with my friends-vs-emotion dilemma, then it would be because I'm just homesick. For weeks I've been feeling restless. If I do get to sleep, chances are that I'll be awake in the middle of the night. I started sleeping in Edah's room, 2 days udah. And even so, I still can't sleep. Been making myself busy to distract myself - doing works, praying, watching series (which btw I'm running out of) and if not, ipod-ing.

I am just so tired and low mood. The only that keeps me going is Edah. I don't know what I would do if you're not here with me E. Thanks *hugs*

Friends

There's this saying that says - you won't know that your friends are really your true friends until you come to a point in that relationship where you both come into a huge disagreement / an argument. Because just then you will realised each other's true colours. And when that time happens, there are 2 things that can take place:
1) They will leave you - just because they've seen your flaws and they just don't see themselves accepting that part of you
2) They will stick by you - because you are worth being friend with no matter how ugly your flaws are.

I realised that I've made quite a number of close friends this year. Close enough that you can almost call them your bestfriends. Those friends that you spend almost 24/7 with, those who you laugh and cry with, whom you can easily confide in, whether its small disgusting / big personal matters. Those friends that you put first before you - sampai sanggup tane melupakan susah2 tane asal dorang tane dulukan, because we know they would do the same to you to.

I feel that I am beginning to question myself about this. It seems like my close friends are drifting apart from me and it scares the eff out of me. Truthfully, I feel abandoned. At first I thought it was just coming from me alone, my insecurity get the best of me. I supposed it's because I've lost a really dear good friend once. And ever since that, I started to feel insecure and fear that my other close friends are going to leave me too. I'm not naive. I am aware that my friends have their own lives to live too, they won't be there with you all the time. Long after, they will forget about you. That's just it. I thought that close or best friends don't simply forget each other, just like that, no matter how busy you are. You stick by each other. You don't need them to physically be with you 24/7, but at least you're in their thoughts.

Or maybe I am just too selfish to want the same amount of commitment as I give to my friends. Not all people are like you afterall, sanggup bekarih2 kan susah payah for your friends. Not all people can give that much amount of sacrifices.

Or maybe I am the culprit here, pushing everyone away from me. Because I feel that I've been doing that a lot lately.

One thing for sure that I know of. I love my friends. Even if they don't love as much and as equally as I do.

The Not-So Relaxing Part...Back to Work

Yes, I did finished my exam 3 days ago, but today I'm back to work - SSM :S wawawa boringnyer... But i'm so not gonna think like this otherwise I ended up regretting staying here. It's just for a month, then I'm going back home to my sweet sweet home Brunei.

Looking forward to new stuffs, working in the rheumatology clinic should be fun. Plus, it's in the city so who knows I might go window shopping after hospital. And who knows maybe I finish early today, afterall the doc says its a meeting. If not pun, time will flies, so if I enjoy it, it'll be more worthwhile.

I need to go btw...off to work~