Laugh VS Tears

Nope. It's not the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I just happened to go through some rough times adapting to my "newly transformed" social circle. I thought it must be the grey dark season that's causing me to become "teary". But nope.

Because today, I and my ever-so-loving bestfriend E noted that I am mildly depressed. Maybe I knew it all along, but believe me, knowing and accepting that you're depressed when you are already in a tough shitty state, is the last thing you want to acknowledge.

Symptoms are there. Just realised it myself. For one thing, the insomniac nights, waking up in the middle of the night and difficulties getting back to sleep.Then, there's that bouts of teary episodes over superficially small things. Losing appetite. Lack of interest in doing things I like doing - msn-ing, fb-ing, watching series. Inability to concentrate while doing work. Wanting to stay in bed all the time, shielding from outside world. Not wanting to be around close friends. Point of the matter is, I, Farah, hereby would like to say that I am mildly depressed.

It's funny isn't it how things have turned. Banar jua nya orang tua2 atu, ketawa2 jangan lebih2 sampai inda ingat dunia, nanti menangis jadinya. True. So true.

For the time being, I think I am just going to "try" hard to look at brighter side of everything, although the chances of that for now is nil. But then again, I will pray that I will be.

I miss my old self. So, I think I am going to be okay.

It's 2:39 am

I feel exhausted and really utterly drained from all the crying. It's like a recurrent theme lately. If it's not to do with my friends-vs-emotion dilemma, then it would be because I'm just homesick. For weeks I've been feeling restless. If I do get to sleep, chances are that I'll be awake in the middle of the night. I started sleeping in Edah's room, 2 days udah. And even so, I still can't sleep. Been making myself busy to distract myself - doing works, praying, watching series (which btw I'm running out of) and if not, ipod-ing.

I am just so tired and low mood. The only that keeps me going is Edah. I don't know what I would do if you're not here with me E. Thanks *hugs*

Friends

There's this saying that says - you won't know that your friends are really your true friends until you come to a point in that relationship where you both come into a huge disagreement / an argument. Because just then you will realised each other's true colours. And when that time happens, there are 2 things that can take place:
1) They will leave you - just because they've seen your flaws and they just don't see themselves accepting that part of you
2) They will stick by you - because you are worth being friend with no matter how ugly your flaws are.

I realised that I've made quite a number of close friends this year. Close enough that you can almost call them your bestfriends. Those friends that you spend almost 24/7 with, those who you laugh and cry with, whom you can easily confide in, whether its small disgusting / big personal matters. Those friends that you put first before you - sampai sanggup tane melupakan susah2 tane asal dorang tane dulukan, because we know they would do the same to you to.

I feel that I am beginning to question myself about this. It seems like my close friends are drifting apart from me and it scares the eff out of me. Truthfully, I feel abandoned. At first I thought it was just coming from me alone, my insecurity get the best of me. I supposed it's because I've lost a really dear good friend once. And ever since that, I started to feel insecure and fear that my other close friends are going to leave me too. I'm not naive. I am aware that my friends have their own lives to live too, they won't be there with you all the time. Long after, they will forget about you. That's just it. I thought that close or best friends don't simply forget each other, just like that, no matter how busy you are. You stick by each other. You don't need them to physically be with you 24/7, but at least you're in their thoughts.

Or maybe I am just too selfish to want the same amount of commitment as I give to my friends. Not all people are like you afterall, sanggup bekarih2 kan susah payah for your friends. Not all people can give that much amount of sacrifices.

Or maybe I am the culprit here, pushing everyone away from me. Because I feel that I've been doing that a lot lately.

One thing for sure that I know of. I love my friends. Even if they don't love as much and as equally as I do.